"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy." -Groucho Marx
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours." -Yogi Berra
"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak." -Jack Handey
"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books." -Jack Handey
"Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year." -Victor Borge
"Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." -Spike Milligan
"What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money." -Henny Youngman
"Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious." -Charles Shackleford
"I just installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!" -Steven Wright
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